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jeff j



Joined: 07 Dec 2006
Posts: 2822

PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 3:17 pm    Post subject: message Reply with quote

here's a very short story:


"a while back,
while deserted & alone on an island,
i circled round and round it's shore,
looking for a way to escape;
or at least return to the life i knew, anew
and to a life that knew me...

one morning, just at sunrise,
i stumbled upon a full bottle of red wine,
i carefully uncorked the bottle and drank
the entire contents in one long gulp;
the taste reminded me of another time
or place, and i drifted cheerfully off to sleep...

in my drunken dream,
i inserted a small message, and map,
handwritten in turtle blood,
into the bottle, re-corked it,
held it up to the light for a 1st (last?) look at my distorted reflection,
and then tossed it back into the sea;
the bottle dissappeared over the horizon
a search party returned and i was found;
i returned to my old life,
but left a self on the island as well,
we waved to each other several times
as we motored away over the horizon
in a direction different from the bottle had travelled...

i woke from this very real dream,
the empty bottle now in my left hand,
i had dug a deep hole with my right hand
while sleeping;
the sun was behind me now,
dropping off the edge of this world;
i went hunting for turtles, by moonlight,
i was hungry, again, and hoped to use the bottle
to crack open their shells..."
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ANNA



Joined: 16 Oct 2004
Posts: 4093

PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 4:31 pm    Post subject: Re: message Reply with quote

jeff wrote:
here's a very short story:


"a while back,
while deserted & alone on an island,
i circled round and round it's shore,
looking for a way to escape;
or at least return to the life i knew, anew
and to a life that knew me...

one morning, just at sunrise,
i stumbled upon a full bottle of red wine,
i carefully uncorked the bottle and drank
the entire contents in one long gulp;
the taste reminded me of another time
or place, and i drifted cheerfully off to sleep...

in my drunken dream,
i inserted a small message, and map,
handwritten in turtle blood,
into the bottle, re-corked it,
held it up to the light for a 1st (last?) look at my distorted reflection,
and then tossed it back into the sea;
the bottle dissappeared over the horizon
a search party returned and i was found;
i returned to my old life,
but left a self on the island as well,
we waved to each other several times
as we motored away over the horizon
in a direction different from the bottle had travelled...

i woke from this very real dream,
the empty bottle now in my left hand,
i had dug a deep hole with my right hand
while sleeping;
the sun was behind me now,
dropping off the edge of this world;
i went hunting for turtles, by moonlight,
i was hungry, again, and hoped to use the bottle
to crack open their shells..."


ohhh...perhaps
IT IS
the story
about that chinese emperior
that has found a turtle
and had discoved I CHING
trigrams on her back?

...nice story...

Wink Smile
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stacey



Joined: 20 Aug 2005
Posts: 320

PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 4:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

it is my belief that everygood story deserves a critic.

I am a little unhappy about your choice to use a red wine.

Maybe a Gerwurztraminer( with their honeyed apricot and peach flavors and the aromas of rose petals and honeysuckle) would have posed a little more intrigue with the reading masses.....or it would have been just more of a challenge to the pronounciating tongues...






I did like the part about the handwritten note in turtle blood.



and the part about cracking the shell with the bottle----
just thinking at this part that hopefully you did not encounter a snapping turtle.....

nice story.



oh it is a good day for supertramp.....hide in your shell..
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stacey



Joined: 20 Aug 2005
Posts: 320

PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 5:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

it would have also been more dramatic inside this short story to have it questionable as to whether or not the turtle blood was positive or negative in a testing for Herpes virus......
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jeff j



Joined: 07 Dec 2006
Posts: 2822

PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 5:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

stacey wrote:
it is my belief that everygood story deserves a critic.

I am a little unhappy about your choice to use a red wine.

Maybe a Gerwurztraminer( with their honeyed apricot and peach flavors and the aromas of rose petals and honeysuckle) would have posed a little more intrigue with the reading masses.....or it would have been just more of a challenge to the pronounciating tongues...






I did like the part about the handwritten note in turtle blood.



and the part about cracking the shell with the bottle----
just thinking at this part that hopefully you did not encounter a snapping turtle.....

nice story.



oh it is a good day for supertramp.....hide in your shell..

Laughing Laughing

"a while back,
while deserted & alone on an island,
i circled round and round it's shore,
looking for a way to escape;
or at least return to the life i knew, anew
and to a life that knew me...

one morning, just at sunrise,
i stumbled upon a full bottle of Gerwurztraminer,
imagine my surprise;
the honeyed apricot and peach flavors
and the aromas of rose petals and honeysuckle

nearly carried me away on swells of nostaglia;
i carefully uncorked the bottle and drank
the entire contents in one long gulp;
the taste reminded me of another time
or place, and i drifted cheerfully off to sleep...

in my drunken dream,
i inserted a small message, and map,
handwritten in turtle blood,
i had used all the ink on the cave drawings, blast!
into the bottle, re-corked it,
held it up to the light for a 1st (last?) look at my distorted reflection,
and then tossed it back into the sea;
the bottle dissappeared over the horizon
a search party returned and i was found;
i returned to my old life,
but left a self on the island as well,
we waved to each other several times
as we motored away over the horizon
in a direction different from the bottle had travelled...

i woke from this very real dream,
the empty bottle now in my left hand,
i had dug a deep hole with my right hand
while sleeping;
the sun was behind me now,
dropping off the edge of this world;
i went hunting for turtles, by moonlight,
i was hungry, again, and hoped to use the bottle
to crack open their shells..."
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stacey



Joined: 20 Aug 2005
Posts: 320

PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 11:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

that was actually kind of funny that you added that little bit in...

I also got a kick out of the word blast! it reminds me of a good friend who uses that very same word and that very same way....

I am beginning to think that you Jeff must be in your close 50's.
which just tickles me....

you are the only 2nd person I have heard/seen use that expression.
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jeff j



Joined: 07 Dec 2006
Posts: 2822

PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 11:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

stacey wrote:
that was actually kind of funny that you added that little bit in...

I also got a kick out of the word blast! it reminds me of a good friend who uses that very same word and that very same way....

I am beginning to think that you Jeff must be in your close 50's.
which just tickles me....

you are the only 2nd person I have heard/seen use that expression.


Laughing
very funny,
actually i've never used that expression,
but it seemed like something the character might say,
the charcater that now drink gurtzwhatever instead of
red wine... Laughing
i'm closing in on 43,
42 has been pretty good,
being the "answer to the universe" an' all Laughing
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jeff j



Joined: 07 Dec 2006
Posts: 2822

PostPosted: Fri Jul 13, 2007 12:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

s,
i was thinking,
a character who finds a bottle of
Gerwurztraminer
is probably more likely to say "blast!"
than a character who finds red wine,
i sent along the correction to our publisher, Very Happy
j
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